I AM SO THANKFUL THAT YOU CAN TALK NOW PLEASE BE QUIET.

 In the early years  Joshua was not able to speak. He was non verbal and I cried and cried and begged God to give him him a voice so I could  hear him speak. I longed to hear him call me mommy or say I love you. In the early years we taught him sign language and gestures to tell us what he wanted or needed.Those days are long gone  now and a distant memory.There is a saying.." be careful what you wish for,. You  just might get it." Joshua started talking at age 4 and once he got on a roll he decided he would not stop...literally. I sit here and write this on a quiet Sunday morning ( wait..strike the quiet ) there is no such thing in our house. This paragraph alone has taken me a half hour to write because my son has stopped to ask a million and one questions and has talked incesantly over the  cartoons playing onthe TV which his sister is desperately trying to watch. Most days are like this.You can barely hear yourself think for Joshua's non stop talking. We have had days where Joshua will wake up and start talking about this thought and that thought and share every little thing that passes through his brain and before you know it 4 hours has passed  with barely a lull in the chatter.Those are the days where I miss the sign language. Its not that I do not want to hear my son's thoughts. I love it when he shares his  ideas and thoughts with me. Its that I miss the quiet.Oh I know...there will be those of you who may read this who have a non verbal child with autism or another speech issue and are thinking " Wow, this lady does not  know how lucky she is that her child can speak." To that I say..I was you once upon a time ....longing for my son to have a audible voice. Before you judge I challenge you to ask someone...anyone to talk to you for 4 hours straight non stop...I mean literally non stop and then come to me and tell me if you feel like you have your sanity.If you do ,then I challenge  you to ask them to do it again  and again several days in a row.

Now as I write I have a brief moment of calm and quiet while my son has moved to another room in the house.( it won't last) Joshua has severe ADHD and he never sticks with anything for long...accept talking... so when the quiet comes, I relish it. I revel in it. I embrace it. Even when my son is silent, there is not always  quiet because I have another child who also deals with her brothers non stop talking. When the lull comes... it is her turn to talk to mommy. She waits so patiently for a chance to share her thoughts and dreams with me so I  listen  intently and hang on her every word.

That is the one of the hardest parts of parenting a special needs child...the balancing act that comes with parenting them along with other neurotypical children. Sometimes I feel like I have it all together and everything is flowing in our household and family but there are days when I feel like it is all falling apart and I pray I am not leaving one of my children feeling like they are not getting equal time with mummy.Oh...and lets not forget the fact that this is all part of a marriage. Daddy needs mummy's time too.When you have children it is not unheard of for the husband in the marriage to feel like his children are replacing him in the marriage. Children take up alot of time. They need to be cared for and nurtured and they are demanding...justifiably so. Many a husband has felt neglected for his child. Now consider the daddy of a child who has special needs.That daddy has to lose even more of his wife to his child. It is a special calling as a dad too and I give my husband alot of credit because he ( though we do not always agree on what's best for our kids) has stuck by me and loved me...even when there was little time for me to  be his soft place to fall because I am already a burried under 2 children , 3 pages of doctors and related doctor appointments , a school system, therapist and a service dog.Did I tell you my son had a service dog? We will save that for another blogging day.


Now don't get me wrong.. I still love hearing my son's voice. I love it when he tells me something he thinks is funny. I love the sound of his laughter and I love love love it when he sings to me. That is my joy. Joshua does the sweetest rendition of "Baby Mine" from Dumbo when he wants to make mummy smile. he knows I love it so. As much as I long desperately for some quiet , I would not trade Joshua's voice for the world. I would not  give up hearing him tell me he loves me. I would not  relinquish those moments when he tells me about his day and what happened.I just wish he could find a way to tell me once with out OCD kicking in. (Oh yeah.. forgot to mention that Joshua has OCD.)I would love to hear all about his stories  once.. and then move on to a new story or some quiet instead of the same story  or question over and over and over again. Is that so bad? If you want a full list of Joshua's medical and developmental issues you can go to his web page and read all about him at http://www.myjoshua.piczo.com/


I love my kids  and  would never sacrifice hearing their voices but I would  at times give my right arm for just a litte quiet.